(A little satire I wrote after the drafting of Darrius Heyward-Bey by the Raiders)

“With the seventh selection in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders
select Darrius...Heyward-Bey? Wide Receiver, Maryland,” said an utterly
confused Commissioner Roger Goodell following the Raiders’ first round
selection this past Saturday. Dumbfounded, the audience and analysts
alike were left scratching their heads at the pick. Raiders fans were
found asking each other, “who the hell this guy?”

While the other 31 teams in the NFL celebrated the fact that top wideout
prospects Michael Crabtree and Jeremy Maclin were still on the board,
Raiders owner/General Manager (and suspected head minion of Satan
himself) Al Davis and his hell dwellers quietly laughed in the shadows at
their enemies’ naiveté.

Not all of Davis’s staff agreed with his choice of receiver. Head coach
Tom Cable sat quietly in a corner with his head buried in his arms, his
enormously fat frame shaking with sobs as he mourned his chance to
actually win a few games in 2009. Wide Receiver coach Sanjay Lal fell to
his knees before a life-size poster of Michael “Magic Hands” Crabtree with
tears streaking down his face, mourning his chance for advancement as a
coach in the NFL.

“I TRIED. I really did,” sobbed Coach Cable to the assembled media at the
draft. “I TOLD him we had to select a big-time playmaker, with good hands
and route running skills so we could have a chance to develop this
offense next season!” Cable grew more agitated by the second, pounding
the stand with his fist for emphasis. “But no, all he wants is speed,
speed, speed, speed, SPEEEED!!!!” At this point Coach Cable collapsed
into a heap on the podium, frothing at the mouth and convulsing
uncontrollably. He had to be carried off by NFL security personnel.
Reports are inconclusive, but apparently a Bloomin’ Onion, tub of Ben and
Jerry’s and more than a few women were brought to him behind the stage by
an assistant, causing an almost instant recovery.

As Raiders owner and GM Al Davis took the stand at Radio City Music Hall
in New York to explain their draft pick to the media, news reports began
to surface that the city of Oakland was up in flames, weeping Raider fans
were throwing themselves off buildings, and an angry mob of fans was seen
advancing on the team’s home stadium, known as “the Black Hole,” they
have yet to be seen again. It remains unclear exactly how different this
is from Oakland on your normal Saturday afternoon. Davis seemed unfazed
by the news, calmly looking up from his bucket of goat blood to tell
journalists that this wasn’t news to him, besides who gives a shit about

Davis’s press conference took much longer than expected due to incessant
need for a continuous supply of goat blood brought by his
assistant-coincidentally named Lucifer-between questions. He was
bombarded with a relentless attack of inquiries about why he passed up on
top prospects to draft somebody like Heyward-Bey. Davis dodged most of
these questions by ranting about “The greatness of the Raidas” and how
they needed a speedy receiver, not necessarily one who could “catch

“Let me tell you about your Michael Crabtree,” drawled the ancient team
owner, “Michael Crabtree might be able to catch the ball and muscle the
defense, but can you tell me his 40-yard dash time? NO! Because he didn’t
run it! This clearly means he isn’t fast! If he isn’t fast, is he worthy
of Raida greatness? NO! Plus, he said he wasn’t very open to the idea of
selling his soul for greatness. Now, Do you know what Darrius’s time was?
4.3! That’s right! The fastest time at the combine! We need someone fast
for two reasons. One, so he can run away from the scores of angry fans
and relentless media. And two, so we finally have a receiver that can get
the ball where JaMarcus Russell throws it! We were tired of seeing the
ball sail ten yards past the receiver on every play!
One journalist stepped up the interrogation; “You’ve been drafting for
speed for several years, it doesn’t seem to have worked. Don’t you think
it’s time for a new strategy?” Al Davis responded by simply glaring at
the journalist for a few seconds before he burst into flames. This
brought a rather ugly end to Davis’s press conference, as disgruntled
reporters slowly filed out of the room muttering to themselves, unfazed
by yet another spontaneous human combustion around the team owner.

With the pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey, the Raiders have finally acquired
the last piece of crap in their piece of crap puzzle, and are sure to see
a whole lot of tremendous crap from their newest crap player. We should
all look forward to a craptastic Raider season in 2009. Settle in Raider
fans, it’s going to be a long one.